I’m learning so many wonderful things during this time in which I don’t have to go to work, mostly related to digital scrapbooking, but a few other random things as well. I haven’t done as much with my website as I had wanted, and frankly, I’m kind of stuck, my vision having ended in frustration at trying to do it all myself. I have some great books on Dreamweaver and blogging that I’ve paged through, looking for things I need to know, but I am having trouble with what should come first–the big picture. I’ve always had trouble with that. I can’t walk into a room and imagine it a completely different color with different furnishings and decor. I have the most trouble with this and I don’t know why, and I wish I could just do it the way I feel others can. I wish I could see a scrapbook page in my head or a website in my head, completely finished (even if changes come about in the process of creating it). I feel like if I could make myself see the finished product, I could do so much more amazing things, and really speed my projects up a lot.
Come to think of it, it goes way beyond decorating and crafting. It is a reflection on my entire life. I can’t figure out where I’m going in life because my whole world has changed directions completely and I feel as though I’m kind of left here, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I’m waaaay out of school, so anything I might learn to do from here on out is up to me entirely. Do I want to spend time and money getting myself back into teaching just to have a reliable income? Do I want to go try something completely new and start from square one and work my way up? I don’t know, and I can’t see past the end of my nose on this one. I have NO IDEA what I want and I can’t even find the direction to the big picture here!
I think of this as a shortcoming, and something I’d like to improve upon. I feel like it’s holding me back from finding my niche in the world. I can do a lot of things fairly decently, but nothing seems to stand out as the one thing I’m good at. I think if I can gain this clarity, I’ll find that one thing and then I’ll be able to meet my potential and work hard to exceed it. Maybe I’m missing the point entirely and wasting precious moments of my life looking for something that is impossible to find. I just don’t know.
Anyway, I am going to continue to work on my digital and scrapbook design, dabbling with my website and enjoying my time to be home with my little guys and maybe one day I’ll come across the magic inspiration that helps me see the big picture clearly. Maybe I’ll find the one thing that I can provide to the world and then I’ll make it my job to provide it. I hope it comes soon, though, because I’m almost out of time to figure it out. 🙂